Update(d)

I am now 23!

And also pursuing (+ hopefully surviving) a MASTER’s in Economics.
It’s not just a Master’s too. It’s a Master of Science in Economics with specialization in Resource and Environmental Economics!

The course has a compulsory thesis component and I am looking forward to that. The first semester, however, was nerve-wracking. It made me question a lot of things I thought I knew, about my subject and myself. There’s a tweet doing rounds these days - which essentially boils down to the fact that the only people who go for higher learning beyond college are those with low self-esteem who seek validation from people above them, at all times. And I guess it sums up everyone around me at this institution very well. The imposter syndrome is the norm.

I thought I knew for a fact ever since I was in seventh grade that I want to do a PhD. I still believe I do. But the first semester made me wonder if I am actually built for that. Even now, as I write this, I am procrastinating working on a critical literature review, which is due in about twelve hours from now. I have full faith in me that I shall complete it well before time, but if I intend to do a PhD, shouldn’t I be planning things slightly more in advance, working my way towards it so that it doesn’t all accumulate right before the deadline leaving me a mess of nerves?

As for the subject, I knew a higher degree of education would be more advanced than what I already knew. What I didn’t know was to advance my knowledge, I’d have to rebuild my existing knowledge base from scratch. From zilch. Every framework I accepted as an axiom was questioned. The very very basics. Something as simple as a utility was given a mathematical functional form.

And let me tell you, that was the moment I decided I should let my mother know I was thankful she forced me to pick up Math in high school. If I’d gotten my way, maybe I’d have better self-esteem or a better sense of pride for accomplishing what I wanted to, but thanks to her, I know math.

If Shivani from the past would read it, she would holler. That’s right, she would holler about the fact that I’m happy that I studied maths in high school, but the truth is, it has been the one solid thing that hasn’t changed. My perception about myself has changed, my knowledge about my subject has been questioned, the languages I love to program keep getting their syntax updated and changed, but the math? It still works in mostly the same way. The tools get advanced, sure. But the basics, remain unquestioned.

Thankfully.

So, here’s an update, which turned out to be an ode to what wonderful subject math is.

42.